Recounting Cancer: Part 1

I'm pretty positive that my recount of our family's past 5 months isn't going to be complete with all of the details, emotions, and countless miracles, but I want to give it my best shot.

Why?

 Because I fear that as time passes and the desperation of the situation seems to slowly lessen, that this journey will somehow be tucked away as vague memories.  That the memories of God's incredible faithfulness and big love will somehow be lost or forgotten as the days and weeks speed by.  That is my fear.

That the God who we were so desperate to hear us in our time of trouble will sadly be replaced by a "casual" God....the One we pray to at mealtimes and before we drift into a slumber.

That would be a huge waste of a trial, in my opinion.

Going back to the night my mom let me know that there was an abnormal cluster of tissue that showed up on her mammogram... This mammogram was done simply as a diagnostic test before draining a cyst, which was not abnormal for my mom. She was told the cyst was not the issue, but other tissue raised red flags for the doctor.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  Not the sobbing sort of cry... but the one where fear and sadness starts to rise up in your being.  Tears slipped to my pillow as the fear of what the road ahead would entail.  I dreaded the future pain and fear my mom would have to go through.

I would be lying if I told you that my mind didn't automatically go to the worst that night.  I cried knowing that I needed my mom, even especially at age 27. My days are not complete without our (multiple) phone calls, her parenting advice, reassurance, and listening ear. I need my mom.
 A feeling in my gut wasn't good and I wasn't at peace with the biopsy that they had ordered for a few days following.  When the results came back, they weren't encouraging.  It was cancerous.  This type of cancer would not respond to hormone treatments, it was rather aggressive, and the cancer found its way to both sides.... the list of  bad news seemed to continue to come. Relentlessly.  A double-mastectomy was the route that seemed most promising....followed by treatment.

One of the worst parts? After EVERY test (mammogram, biopsy, MRI, 2nd biopsy, PET Scan...) we almost always had to wait through the weekend for the results.  This really does a number on your mind... your emotions.  But it sure teaches you how to pray.  I found myself pulling away from most friends because I was an emotional wreck.
Weeping during every conversation.
At home I was removed and preoccupied, not talkative.
Often lost in my thoughts, I would snap at the kids. I was edgy. And scared.
The "C" {cancer} word made my stomach churn by the fear it put in me and the way it seemed to creep in and shake things up.  I prayed. I begged.  I sought God in those times because I needed to. I needed know His love.  To cling to those promises that He doesn't ever forsake us.  That He hears us crying out.  That He let this go through His hands first because His plan is greater than what we can fathom.  It's His perfect plan.  Whether we agree with it or not.

Picture from December 2011 - Florida

Our family dynamic changed instantly.  The light-hearted, silly conversations, joking-demeanor changed to this heavy, heavy elephant that made its way into our space, standing in the way of making small talk or silly jokes.  My mom showed incredible strength... it continued to amaze me. I know on the inside she was scrounging for strength and promises from the God of Comfort.  I know the only reason she could get up and face the day was because of God and God alone.  My dad was daily praying for God to pour down peace.  My dad never left my mom's side and was her rock.  He was dealt a situation (one of the firsts) where he could not "fix" the problem.  He couldn't protect her.  This might have been the hardest internal battle for me to watch.  One morning that was especially hard emotionally... my dad had been praying for a sign that God is in fact hearing Him, there was a call from a doctor informing them that an earlier date had come open for an appointment. Praise the Lord.  Not only for His provision, but always for the evidence that He is a God who hears.

     This is just a week or two before my mom's surgery date.  They were able to get a quick photo session in before surgery and possible treatments.  Probably one of my all-time favorite pictures.  Are they not GORGEOUS?  Their love is evident even 30 years later.

Part 2: Surgery and Treatment   ...to come soon.

Oh. My. Lanta.

I'm sitting down to blog!  I can hardly even get the house remotely clean 6 out of 7 days, so awhile back I decided that I needed to take a break from blogging.  I have been MIA from the blog world completely for months.  Juggling working part time, keeping up with orders, making occasional dinners, and keeping our kids safe and bathed every so often, I decided something needed to give and it was blogging.

Please don't mind the fact that in the dead of summer, my blog is decked out in autumn colors with a family picture from when my son was 2 weeks old.  He is now nearer to age to than he is to 1.  That will be for another day :)

My work with a tutoring program ended at the end of May... so I decided I can pick up something else on my list (and unfortunately it wasn't keeping a clean and tidy household ;)! Sometimes I have an internal battle about "blogging".  It can be just another thing that causes me to sit in front of the computer when I should be doing other things (cleaning, sewing, cooking, playing, 'educating myself' in books, etc.) but I have come to realize the importance of getting down these thoughts in my head.  These thoughts that come to me from day to day that I fear (with this frantic sort of fear) that when this phase of life is gone in a flash, I'm bound to forget....regardless of how hard I try to memorize and soak them in.  Good grief, I can't even remember to put clothes in the washing machine before it occurs to me that I just ran a full cycle of water.  Just. plain. water.

Before I begin blogging about every day, chaotic occurrences here at the Smith house, I first want to post about my mom's double-mastectemy and fight with breast cancer.  Why?  Because in the past 5 months God shook our world a little bit (okay...maybe a big bit) but while He allowed it to be shaken, He was holding it, and us in a way I've never experienced before.  Because my memory is so terrible and you can take bets that I will lock my keys in my car at least twice a year, I want to get this journey into words before the depth of it is lost.  

Until then, I will leave you witha picture of my sweet, sassy sugarpie.  This girl is full of spunk.  Love her to pieces.  We battle lots on a daily basis, but her heart is so sweet.  And... she's got style.  Look at those shades!

Just when I thought I was done...

For months I haven't blogged.... 

I have resigned to the fact that I just. can't. keep. up.  Regardless of good intentions, there is so much to get done in one day... many things that don't even get touched!  Blogging has sat on the back-burner and I am kind of okay with it. Kind of.  

I would love to be a faithful blogger, but sometimes somethings just have to give and I guess for me it's been blogging.

BUT

Sienna has been cracking me up left and right and I get this frantic feeling (you know- when your heart starts racing and mental lists start forming) that I am going to grow old and not remember anything from their childhood!  I want to remember the way they say funny words, like sca-betty over and over and over again because I love it.  Or any of the small details that make me stop and say... WHAT?!  Or those that make us all break out in a giggle fest.  Thus, I returned to my blog.  Simply to record.  To remember.  To Soak it in.  Because those times sure are sweet and I want to be able to giggle, reminisce, and retell those to my babies.

Sienna typically spends most of Wednesday with her Mimi while I work, run errands, or just take a few breaths in peace and quiet :)  Mimi (my mom) handles some of the secretarial work for my Dad's business along with collecting rent from their rental properties.  The other day I heard Sienna, while talking on a play phone saying, "Hi Mimi.... yeah..... I'm sick today.....But do you think you could get a check ready for me to pick up?  Bye."  It looks like Mimi's job may get a little easier...This two-year old is up for hire! 

Tonight she was shirtless and lifting up at her belly to get a good peak at that belly button that seems to be so intriguing.  I asked her what she was doing and she clued me in, "I am just putting my boogers in my bellybutton."  But of course!!  What else would that silly hole in your belly be for????  Later she was so kind as to let Aunt Ashley stick one of Cannon's dried boogies in there.  How kind.

We were belting out some tunes on our way to the doctor this week.  Sienna was singing in the background "Wordy is the Lamp... Wordy is the Lamp...."  I enunciated my singing a bit so she could catch on.  When we park and I get her out of the car.... she shouts at the top of those sweet lungs... "WORTHY IS THE LAMB!! WORTHY IS THE LAMB!!"  Someone got their praise on!

We've been encouraging her to "think outside the box" when it comes to praying.  We're trying to show her all the things we are thankful for besides "Mommy, Daddy, and Dawson".  Last night she chimes in during the prayer.... "Thank you for me giving life to Mommy's bellybutton."  

ERRRRRT...  Back the train UP! What on Earth is that supposed to mean?  ...If it means herniated my bellybutton she is spot on!

Oh. My Sienna Jade.

Well, until then I will be cleaning out belly buttons... and wearing a stache.

Dinner Conversation

*Warning* Turn your volume down to avoid hearing loss.




Here is a glimpse into our dinner conversation.
Entertaining? Definitely. A headache? Sometimes :) Worth it? Without a doubt!
We got a good laugh out of this one!

Hello? Anybody there?

Is anybody still out there??

It has been too long since I have sat down to post about our life. To be honest, there has been a lot going on...lots of silly stories, memories made, and thoughts to share- but the thought of going back and catching up on those is a little intimidating!!

So, I can just go on and pretend I didn't take a few-month-hiatus, right?? Okay, good :)

This morning I decided to go blueberry picking for the second time this season. This time I took my little troops. I expected it to be a short-hoorah, but Sienna was excited about the experience, so I decided to go for it. Things went surprisingly well for the first little bit. The tractor ride was a big hit with both kids. Dawson's little squeals made it no secret he was a fan of the ride. Then, I told my little food-lover to pick and eat to her little heart's desire. And that she did.

Shortly after, I notice her getting quiet, and serious...which means only one thing. She then asks if I have a potty chair. Unfortunately, sweet girl, I don't carry one in my back pocket. But wouldn't that be a brilliant invention-- pocket size potty chair?! Oh wait- maybe it's called the catheter or the diaper? Regardless... none of those were in my back pocket either.

She then asks if she could go in the grass. To be honest, I would prefer she went in the grass... but I know the pickers around me would have probably kicked my hiney out real fast for knowingly allowing such a thing :) We have made a few stops on our way home from church so she doesn't wet her pants. However, I think she prefers the grass over the potty chair. Bad habit? I'll let you decide. She also thinks Joy Johns are the coolest thing since sliced bread. I beg to differ and could throw up in my mouth.

Needless to say, we packed up our very small loot of blueberries back to the tractor. The poor man loads my stroller up for the second time and we hitch a ride back to the restroom. You all know how the story goes.... Of course, she didn't have to go once we are in the bathroom because that would have just made too much sense!

We decided to call it quits before the little man had a minor meltdown and ask the poor man to load up my stroller AGAIN. I didn't completely regret my bright idea to go pick blueberries. All in all, it was a good trip. No accidents. No meltdowns. Two-and-a-half pounds of blueberries.


These summer days have been a blast. They have been full. Some days full of laughter and fun others full of meltdowns--- but we all have our moments, right?

There have been moments where I wish I had endless hours of video available to capture hours and hours of the plain, everyday interactions and conversations..because I am so afraid these times will be forgotten. I now have a crawling, teething 8-month-old that adores his big sister. I could watch HIM watch HER forever... knowing that he is soaking in everything she does and studies her face to see if those high-pitched squeals of hers are happy or sad. Then, he reacts accordingly :)

I just love him to pieces and am so excited about his little personality that is showing more and more. His happy, easy-going nature is so fun. Sometimes I wonder if those little cheeks of his hurt from smiling all the time. He has learned to make noises with his hands to his mouth and he is in full exploration mode with that cute army crawl of his. I think he is going to be my little water bug.

Sienna has been growing up, as well! Her sense of independence is in full bloom and she lets everyone know that she can do it all by herself. She loves her routine and finds comfort in keeping with a schedule. She knows a Bible verse and beams when she recites it.
("The Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:0) She is continuing to expand that vocab of hers, as well. Shocking us with what she comes up with! She honestly blows my mind. She is easily intrigued and really takes everything in. Super observant and very inquisitive. I have been keeping a list of the things she says that really crack us up. Some are pretty sassy and naughty... others are just random and HIL.A.RIOUS... especially being said in her sweet 2 year-old voice. Maybe I should remind her she is 2 and not 16...maybe she does not know this? I am already praying about the teenage years. Ay ay ay. She has SUCH a sweet, people-pleasing spirit.... but loves to test the water with us right now :)

Video and Picture Update

I am lacking time these days to write and blog. I am too busy recording my little tutu-obsessed two-year old showing off her mad-dancing-skilllz. Check her out.

That is some serious sass!!

We also spent a day visiting this good friend and taking the kids to the zoo. I'm not even lying when I tell you that is the first time I have driven myself to a location more than 35 minutes away in years. Am I lame or what?! After 25 minutes in the car, Sienna was already insisting she wanted out and wanted to go back to her home. She sure did have fun once we made it to Ft. Wayne!

Check out Sienna and Westin's Prom Pose :)

And we enjoyed ourselves, too, of course.

Anywho...We have busted out the tent over here for all these rainy days or created some homemade forts.

I've been wearing this little guy around in order to get somethings done! I feel like I have been multi-tasking like crazy lately (not doing it all that well sometimes!!) That crazy saying that a "watched pot never boils" is SO wrong. An unwatched pot always boils over... 100% of the time. Trust me.

You better believe on the nicer days we have spent some time outside.... sidewalk chalk, shooting hoops, going for walks, and enjoying the days!

I have been working a lot more lately which has been good... but I feel like I am a headless-chicken scampering around.

One last picture... this is from Dawson's baby dedication on Mother's Day. This picture just makes me laugh out loud. I love my family-- as crazy as it gets! These three are my life.

Ta-Ta Friends Enjoy your long weekend!

Siennaisms

Sienna has been cracking us up left and right...

She is always talking and for the few split seconds she isn't... she is thinking and processing what to say next.

Some funny things she has said lately.... Please tell me why I don't do the "Good-Mom-Thing" and write these suckers down? I did and it lasted one whole day. I wrote down three things that cracked me right up then that poor old notebook just sat in the junk drawer. You know, one of our five junk drawers.

The other day while nursing Dawson, Sienna saw my belly button. She proceeded to poke it and giggle, saying, "I pushin' your belly button, mama." Definitely got a taste of life as the Pillsbury Dough boy. She then goes on to tell me that she likes belly buttons :) Great! Then I began to wonder if years down the road, a few babies later, when that cute little belly button has turned into something that resembles more of a nose than a belly button, protruding from her belly if she will be quite as excited about belly buttons as she is now. Glad someone gets a kick out of it. Cause this mama ain't laughing. Okay, so maybe I cracked a smile. ;)

Miss Manners was chatting my ear off during breakfast the other day. While trying to enjoy my Cheerios I was also responding to her question, in which she responds, "Don't talk with your food in mouth." Right on, sister.
She also called Dawson out when he filled his pants saying, "Ohhh my wuuuud (word), Dawson. Did you toot? You should say 'scuse me'" The Manners Police is on duty at this house!

I hear the question "What?" EASILY 4,024 times a day. This question usually follows ANYTHING I say. I figured out if I say, "What do you think I said, honey?" 9.97 times out of 10 she will quote back to me verbatim what I said in the first place. She's playin' me like a fiddle!! Then... she will tell me, "Don't call me 'honey'- I'm Sienna."

She LOVES to sing, I need to bust out the video camera and catch her singing her newest favorite song on the radio. Sienna sings a mean rendition of Francesca Battistelli's "This is the Stuff". I LOVE this song because it's SO my life! More importantly I can hear this sweet little 2 year old singing nearly every word. She requests it and we watch it on youtube while she sings along. She has also been singing other songs that I can't understand the words to. I ask her what she is singing and she says, "I am singing about Deesus (Jesus)!" Our daughter may have the gift of tongues.

Here is a video of her bustin' a move. This CRACKS me up! We watched it back and laughed so hard. It reminds me of some serious 80's workout video. Kathy Ireland and Crazy Arms or something. My husband had to get in on the dancing.





Today we enjoyed a day at the park after church... Sienna and Justin have been buddies. He has played outside with her, taken her on dates to Meijer and Tractor Supply- what else can a girl ask for? She tells all the other shoppers at other stores "I going to the Tractor store!!" She jumps up and down like she is going to claim the lottery. It's sweet.


I love my babies! Snotty-nose and all! I dare you to click on the picture to enlarge it. You will get a close up of the snot bubble. I DARE YOU! :)