Recounting Cancer: Part 1

I'm pretty positive that my recount of our family's past 5 months isn't going to be complete with all of the details, emotions, and countless miracles, but I want to give it my best shot.

Why?

 Because I fear that as time passes and the desperation of the situation seems to slowly lessen, that this journey will somehow be tucked away as vague memories.  That the memories of God's incredible faithfulness and big love will somehow be lost or forgotten as the days and weeks speed by.  That is my fear.

That the God who we were so desperate to hear us in our time of trouble will sadly be replaced by a "casual" God....the One we pray to at mealtimes and before we drift into a slumber.

That would be a huge waste of a trial, in my opinion.

Going back to the night my mom let me know that there was an abnormal cluster of tissue that showed up on her mammogram... This mammogram was done simply as a diagnostic test before draining a cyst, which was not abnormal for my mom. She was told the cyst was not the issue, but other tissue raised red flags for the doctor.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  Not the sobbing sort of cry... but the one where fear and sadness starts to rise up in your being.  Tears slipped to my pillow as the fear of what the road ahead would entail.  I dreaded the future pain and fear my mom would have to go through.

I would be lying if I told you that my mind didn't automatically go to the worst that night.  I cried knowing that I needed my mom, even especially at age 27. My days are not complete without our (multiple) phone calls, her parenting advice, reassurance, and listening ear. I need my mom.
 A feeling in my gut wasn't good and I wasn't at peace with the biopsy that they had ordered for a few days following.  When the results came back, they weren't encouraging.  It was cancerous.  This type of cancer would not respond to hormone treatments, it was rather aggressive, and the cancer found its way to both sides.... the list of  bad news seemed to continue to come. Relentlessly.  A double-mastectomy was the route that seemed most promising....followed by treatment.

One of the worst parts? After EVERY test (mammogram, biopsy, MRI, 2nd biopsy, PET Scan...) we almost always had to wait through the weekend for the results.  This really does a number on your mind... your emotions.  But it sure teaches you how to pray.  I found myself pulling away from most friends because I was an emotional wreck.
Weeping during every conversation.
At home I was removed and preoccupied, not talkative.
Often lost in my thoughts, I would snap at the kids. I was edgy. And scared.
The "C" {cancer} word made my stomach churn by the fear it put in me and the way it seemed to creep in and shake things up.  I prayed. I begged.  I sought God in those times because I needed to. I needed know His love.  To cling to those promises that He doesn't ever forsake us.  That He hears us crying out.  That He let this go through His hands first because His plan is greater than what we can fathom.  It's His perfect plan.  Whether we agree with it or not.

Picture from December 2011 - Florida

Our family dynamic changed instantly.  The light-hearted, silly conversations, joking-demeanor changed to this heavy, heavy elephant that made its way into our space, standing in the way of making small talk or silly jokes.  My mom showed incredible strength... it continued to amaze me. I know on the inside she was scrounging for strength and promises from the God of Comfort.  I know the only reason she could get up and face the day was because of God and God alone.  My dad was daily praying for God to pour down peace.  My dad never left my mom's side and was her rock.  He was dealt a situation (one of the firsts) where he could not "fix" the problem.  He couldn't protect her.  This might have been the hardest internal battle for me to watch.  One morning that was especially hard emotionally... my dad had been praying for a sign that God is in fact hearing Him, there was a call from a doctor informing them that an earlier date had come open for an appointment. Praise the Lord.  Not only for His provision, but always for the evidence that He is a God who hears.

     This is just a week or two before my mom's surgery date.  They were able to get a quick photo session in before surgery and possible treatments.  Probably one of my all-time favorite pictures.  Are they not GORGEOUS?  Their love is evident even 30 years later.

Part 2: Surgery and Treatment   ...to come soon.